Somatic Therapy for Sex and Relationship Themes

Page overview

This page takes around 8 minutes to read and explores:

• Core information at a glance
• Can I bring questions about sex and relationships to therapy?
• How can the Wheel of Consent help me explore sex and relationship themes?
• How might your therapeutic approaches support my sex and relationship themes?
• How can I explore desire, fantasy and erotic identity in therapy?
• Is this a polyamory, CNM, queer, kink and sex-worker-friendly space?
• How might your earlier work with tantra and embodied sexuality inform my therapy?
• Is this sex therapy — and what is outside the scope of this work?
• How do I get started?
• FAQs

Core Information at a Glance

Can I bring questions about sex and relationships to therapy?

Yes. Sexuality and relationship themes often emerge naturally within the wider context of my work, sometimes as the presenting enquiry and sometimes only after trust has developed.

You might want to explore desire, pleasure, sexual identity, fantasy, kink, polyamory or other forms of relationship diversity. For some people, this also includes questions about eros, spirituality, meaning and a wider sense of aliveness. You may be questioning your sexuality – or wondering about the absence of libido, desire, sex or sexual expression too. I do not assume sexual material must always have a deeper psychological meaning. Sometimes sex really is about sex, pleasure or curiosity.

You may also be feeling troubled by something that happened sexually, by feelings of shame, or by something else that is difficult to make sense of. Sex and relationship concerns may connect with attachment, trauma, neurodivergence, belonging, earlier experiences or the wider context of your life. My therapeutic approach can support you to develop a deeper connection with your own experience and greater capacity to stay alongside difficult feelings from a more resourced place.

Practical and pragmatic conversations about sex and relationships are also welcome as you work things out. These conversations take place within a therapeutic enquiry: the aim is to understand, reflect on or work with your experience, rather than to use the space itself for sexual stimulation or gratification.

How can the Wheel of Consent help me explore sex and relationship themes?

The Wheel of Consent® (“the Wheel”) has profoundly influenced how I understand consent, agreements, desire, limits and choice. My training with Betty Martin, and the years I spent teaching the model and practice, gave me a framework I still draw on when working with many sex and relationship enquiries.

A few simple questions from the Wheel can illuminate a lot about intimate or sexual interactions. For example: when you are receiving touch, who is it for? Are you being touched in the way you would really like to be touched, or are you going along with something that the other person thinks you like? We can become SO used to accommodating others that it becomes difficult to notice what we ourselves want.

Another sequence I often draw on is supporting people to notice, trust and value their desires and limits. All three steps are important before choosing what to do or communicating something to someone else; when choosing or communicating feels difficult, it can sometimes be useful to explore whether one of those earlier steps is missing. My years of teaching the Wheel, and facilitating spaces for the exploration of desire and limits, give me a substantial practical resource to draw on in these conversations.

“I don’t know what I want” is also a frequent and valid starting point, where the first step — noticing — may not yet feel available. Other parts of my practice may be more helpful at first, supporting a deeper relationship with self and body so that desires and limits can begin to be noticed and explored in small, manageable ways.

How might your therapeutic approaches support my sex and relationship themes?

I may draw on different parts of my practice depending on what is happening.

Family Constellations can widen the frame to include family history, inherited patterns, culture, belonging, power or a wider relational system, including complex poly/CNM networks.

Trauma-Sensitive Breathwork may support regulation and help someone stay alongside sensation or feeling without becoming overwhelmed.

Transforming Touch® may be helpful where attachment or nervous-system patterns repeatedly interrupt relating, particularly when insight or attempts at self-regulation have not been enough. It is fully clothed therapeutic touch and is not sexual or erotic touch.

EMDR may sometimes be useful where a particular past event or traumatic experience continues to intrude into present sexual or relational life.

Sometimes the most useful thing is simply having enough space to think and feel something through; at other times, a particular therapeutic approach can help support a specific part of the enquiry.

Shame can also be an important part of this work. Sexual shame may be connected with family, culture, religion, previous relationships, trauma or experiences of difference. Depending on what is happening, I may work with shame through therapeutic dialogue, parts work, somatic attention, Transforming Touch® or breath, alongside exploring what kinds of relationships, communities or experiences might offer more supportive mirrors.

A note on power

An important part of any therapeutic enquiry is understanding the relationship between consent and power. Consent does not happen in a vacuum. What feels possible to want, refuse, ask for or negotiate is shaped by family, culture, gender, race, class, disability, neurodivergence, available resources, caring responsibilities and the practical consequences of saying no.

Sometimes a clear boundary is possible and desirable. At other times, the cost of a dramatic change may be too high, and therapy may involve finding smaller steps that gradually build whatever sense of agency is possible for now. We can also explore the difference between “What choices were or felt available to me then?” and “What choices might become possible now, with enough resourcing and support?”

How can I explore desire, fantasy and erotic identity in therapy?

I approach these themes with curiosity rather than overlaying an assumption about what they mean.

A fantasy may point towards a desire that wants enacting, an unmet need, a symbolic longing, or something someone would never want to enact. I try not to impose an interpretation, but to stay curious about what it means to the person themselves.

Erotic identity can also deserve space in its own right. Sometimes someone is discovering something new; sometimes they are integrating an aspect of themselves that has never had much room. There can be grief for what is, or has been, unexpressed, alongside exploration of what may still be possible.

I also make room for asexuality, low or changing desire, and ambivalence about sex. Greater sexual activity or “expansion” is not the goal. The aim is to support you towards greater alignment with your intentions for therapy, and towards what feels good and true for you.

Is this a polyamory, CNM, queer, kink and sex-worker-friendly space?

Yes. I welcome people whose sexuality, relationships or identities do not fit conventional expectations.

I have particular experience with polyamory and consensual or ethical non-monogamy (CNM). This can include working with attachment themes, jealousy, time and capacity, and mismatches between relational ideals and what our bodies are actually experiencing.

It can also include somatic resourcing, exploration of what you want, finding language for something that is only just becoming clear, and preparing for conversations you may want to have outside the therapy space. Sometimes the work is less about resolving a problem and more about supporting you to live your relationships with greater clarity and choice.

I also do not regard polyamory as more evolved or desirable than monogamy. My role is to help someone understand what works for them — including discovering that a particular form of CNM feels right, needs to move more slowly, or is not what they want.

I also welcome queer and GSRD (gender, sexuality and relationship diversity) clients, people questioning sexuality or gender, people exploring kink, and people with sexual histories that have been difficult to discuss elsewhere. I offer a sex-worker friendly space (more information in my FAQs).

The common thread is a non-pathologising but discerning approach: making room for difference without assuming every desire should be acted on or every relationship preserved.

How might your earlier work with tantra and embodied sexuality inform my therapy?

Before moving into my current therapeutic practice, I spent many years working and teaching in areas I then described as tantra and embodied sexuality. I no longer offer tantra sessions, but I do not want to erase that history.

Those years gave me wide experience of how differently people experience desire, pleasure, intimacy and erotic identity. They also helped me become comfortable hearing experiences people may feel ashamed or frightened to disclose, while holding my own limits without shaming someone else’s desires.

I now think differently about cultural appropriation, power, high-demand groups and the lack of systemic awareness in some of the communities I was part of. The Wheel of Consent became an important turning point, bringing a clearer focus on agreement, agency and limits; eventually I retrained into the somatic and systemic therapeutic work I offer now.

What remains is not a current tantra service, but a depth of familiarity with sexuality, eros, shame, difference and embodied experience that continues to inform my work.

Is this sex therapy — and what is outside the scope of this work?

I work therapeutically with sexuality, but I do not describe myself as a specialist psychosexual or sex therapist.

Sexuality may be part of wider therapy with me: talking about desire, consent, identity, fantasy, shame, relationship diversity, questioning, kink exploration, or the emotional and relational impact of a sexual difficulty.

Where a physical sexual difficulty is the main presenting concern — such as erectile or ejaculation difficulties, genital pain or vaginismus — medical assessment or specialist psychosexual therapy may be more appropriate. I may sometimes work with the wider emotional, relational or historical aspects alongside or after specialist support.

I do not offer couples sex therapy, sexual technique coaching, partnered sexual exercises, nudity, sexual or genital touch, erotic bodywork, surrogate partner work, intimacy coaching or tantra sessions. Transforming Touch® is fully clothed therapeutic touch and is not sexual or erotic.

The simplest distinction is that this is therapy in which sexual, intimate or erotic themes are welcome, rather than specialist psychosexual treatment or work focused primarily on sexual performance or functioning.

How to get started

If you are interested in working with me, you can begin with either a free 15-minute call or a 60-minute Orientation Session.

The free 15-minute call is for practical questions such as availability, format and next steps. The Orientation Session is a standalone session where we can talk in more depth about what is bringing you, what you are hoping for, and whether my way of working feels like a good fit.

We can also explore which aspects of the work may be most useful for you, whether you are looking for regular or ad hoc sessions, and whether in-person or online work feels most appropriate.

There is no requirement to commit to ongoing therapy at the Orientation Session. If we both feel it makes sense to continue, we can agree the next steps together.

You can find current fees, availability, practical information, and links to book either a free 15-minute call or an Orientation Session on my Bookings, Hours and Fees page.