Dear true self diary:
A couple of nights ago I lay in bed feeling isolated and empty.
I noticed how much I was resisting feeling the feeling: believing it wrong somehow, therefore something to escape or to fix. I registered an urgency for distractions to numb it, or some practice that would “take it away and make it better.”
So I decided to give the feeling my whole hearted attention, and lay both focused and surrendering into this space for about an hour. There were pains in my chest and different sensations. Other times there was just nothing – emptiness, space, void …
Towards the end of this hour there was a moment – perhaps it was at the edge of falling asleep I don’t know – but I distinctly had the experience of slipping across into death. The realisation flashed in me – “yes I know this, I know how it is to die” – it felt so familiar, like I had been present at the moment of my own death many many times.
Afterwards I still felt alone, but there was a gentle warm hum all through me and I felt at peace with the aloneness.